Contortionist Goes On Mission For Burrito, Leaves Cashier Traumatized

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mattstaff
Jul 25, 2021 10:00 PM EDT

Um, with great power comes great responsibility. One can only begin to imagine what kinds of panicked thoughts must've been racing around this poor cashier's brain. The poor homie probably thought that he'd fallen right onto the set of a horror movie. The context is really what ties this whole situation together. The fact that it was after midnight in a 7-11, and that 7-11 seems to be a universal magnet for the bizarre makes the tale that much more believable. Also, shout out to the contortionist for having no idea why the campus alert about a suspicious individual went out in the first place. 

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  • 01
    Font - gallusrostromegalus Let's Have Another Bullet Point Story, Courtesy of a Friend So I have a friend that used to be in the tumblers troupe at the renfaire as a contortionist We were chatting online and she told me to tell you all this story. I love Kat dearly but she forgets that she's stupid strong and hypermobile
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  • 02
    Font - so one day she throws her back out bad enough that she needed painkillers and couldn't stand upright "But also I needed Tampons and like. A Burrito, real bad." she's flat on her back in her apartment when she decides this and, in an impeccable leap of reasoning, decides
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  • 03
    Font - "I can't roll my back forward to sit/stand up like normal. But I can ARCH my back just fine. SO I'm going to do that and get on my hands and feet in a stomach-in-the-air this-shit-belongs-in-a-horror-movie- type pose, And amble on down to the 7-11"
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  • 04
    Font - 95 "And get me that Burrito" It is, for context, after midnight in July during a wildfire so it's hot as satan's own asshole and the moon is red and shit's already generally cursed.
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  • 05
    Font - Imagineyou are some poor sap working nights at the world's deadest 7-11, and you hear the door jangle but you don't see anyone's head over the counters. Whatever. Except you keep hearing noises like there's someone in the next aisle over. • F ing around in the burrito section
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  • 06
    Font - It's also worth mentioning that Kat 1. sings whatever earworm is currently running through her head when she's not paying attention 2. sounds EXACTLY like some kind of creepy child from a horror movie when doing so tonight's song is something from veggietales.
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  • 07
    Font - DUDE ACTUALLY STANDS HIS GROUND and/or is really high and isn't sure if he's tripping balls or notanyway Kat goes up to pay for her burrito and tampons
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  • 08
    Font - She realizes the counter presents some- thing of a challenge, and then demon- strates for me on her kitchen table at 4AM during a different july wildfire, exactly how she used the shelves to climb up the counter like one of the boston robotics beasties
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  • 09
    Font - dude stares at her for like, five minutes and says. "Register's broke."
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  • 10
    Font - "Oh No!" Says Kat. "Just Take 'em." "Really? I can leave cash-you don't have to give me change I don't want you to get in trouble with your manager." "...Nah." "Oh! OK! Thank you!" "Yeah ok bye."
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  • 11
    Font - Shortly after she arrived back at the apartment, she got a text on her phone from the campus security about "A Suspicious Individual" at tle 7-11. It took her FOUR YEARS to realize she was the suspicious individual
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  • 12
    Font - tienriu Live your best life. Be the cryptid in somebody else's story. Be the reason why there's a guy out there who absolutely believes in the supernatural (and insists they're actually really quite polite).
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